What I’m Listening To: “Inside of You: Tara Lapinski”
It’s almost June, but I just read that May on Man Repeller, who puts out regularly interesting articles, was “Duality Month.” This has to do with the concept that within ourselves are varying levels of dualities, whether it be your “work” versus “home” versus “with friends” versus “with relatives” etc. selves or something less split personality-like because maybe some of you are more straight forward all across the board.
I definitely experience different levels of selves. Much like Amelia Diamond (what a name) recounts here:
Later, just after college, I discovered a whole new version of myself: the person I was during my very first full-time “official” job, and how different she was from the me at home, or the me on weekends. At work, I was so nervous all the time, so stressed and so scared to mess up that I became a bit of a robot to get through the days. I remember calling my dad after my first month and telling him, “I’m pretty sure no one at the office knows who I really am.” Then I remember wondering if at work, in that particular kind of context, my boss knowing “who I really am” mattered.
I definitely struggle with the stressed, overcompensating self I feel come upon me, like the parasite Venom does over Tom Hardy the Venom movie trailers. I have no control over her. She tries to be gregarious, but tight lipped, talk with spoken to because you don’t want to disrupt the thought flow of the creatives I work for, whose time, and especially their time with me, is limited. Distractions are removed. Small talk is limited to the first 2-3 sentences, and then we enter hyper productivity because that’s my specialty as a personal assistant, organizing and assisting.
This is quite different from my regular self, who, if you watch my Instagram stories, is a light hearted, head of nonsense.
I sometimes wonder if my creativity is tempered by straight laced me, and maybe my employers would find me more affable and warm, in addition to assumed positive qualities of efficient and capable.
However, I think my “at home self” so far sways to the far end of spectrum of goofy, poopoo, doodoo humor that my ability to perform my job would come into question.
I’ve thought in the past that maybe I should see a psychologist about these dueling personalities, but I didn’t because #money #time #timeismoney and there always seems better ways to spend my time.
But now I’m seeing this duality embraced (I didn’t finish reading the Man Repeller article, so hopefully it doesn’t take a sinister spin) and I’ve seen a world of people live this life of showcase personalities versus what’s on at home, so maybe this is all very 2018 of me to continue living these split lives – although at some point I’d like to see my personalities align. Maybe this has to do with profession I’ve taken, and switching from the world of the need-to-be-on-point-and-on-call all the time will help me to relax a bit and be less hype.