Dear Diary December 13 Has time really stopped making that much sense? & Treadmill Reads


Waking up in someone else’s bed (a petsit owner’s, to be clear, next to my husband), I have to wonder – where can I look to find what time it is?

My phone is all the way across the space charging in the kitchen, but lookee, there is an alarm clock blaring in red letters that it is 3:36am.

I feel cold because the top, woolen blanket has come off of my in my sleep. I tug it back on, but it feels too warm. I lay as still as possible, hoping doing so well help me re-enter slumber.

There are no nightmares or stress to keep my head swimming.

Channeling Ava Duvernay Wrinkle in Time Special Effects

I feel secure in this warm, beautiful home. A large duplex, maybe 5000-6000 sq ft home in the center of Manhattan with a dog we love and petsit owners that take good care of us. There’s a good relationship here. And we just saw Scott, a friend I can’t believe I haven’t seen in a year.

Has time really stopped making that much sense? Has the friend that introduced us to Scott really been in North Carolina over a year? Damn do I miss Centeno. He is the kind of friend I can feel so relaxed around that I could potentially crash with him three times over, in Cali, Hawaii, and then NC.

Has my peace tank top really gotten so short that my belly is constantly showing when I wear it?

Is it because I am still growing? vertically?

Well I’m finally back at the treadmill, because if I’m going to be awake this early, why not get in a run before my Ass and Abs class (a class I’m slightly reluctant of, in a daft way, because I see the name of the instructor, Antonio, a Crunch personal trainer who unfortunately and fortunately has begun to recognize me and, as a result of a small attendance Ropes class, has begun to correct my form to pick on me (in a nice way) during workouts to improve my form to make the exercises more effective.. and a heck of a lot more challenging. Who knew that if you leaned forward, so your shoulders are 90 degrees, right over one’s hands, in a perfect plank, with your belly sucked in, that a stance you could hold for 30 seconds, becomes something you can maybe hold for 15 excruciating moments, because it has started recruiting different muscles that make you suck in air for dear life, while your body shakes, and you eventually collapse to the ground?While reading my dailies, I come across this article “A (Very) Honest Discussion About Dietingin Byrdie. It begins with asking some roundtable questions of its participants, editors in the publication:

How old were you when you went on your first diet? It was in seventh grade—so about 12.

What word or phrase do you most associate with your body now? Yikes, this is a hard one. Right this minute, it’s finally “good” enough. And I don’t mean that in the way it sounds—I guess what I mean is that I finally feel good enough.

How old were you when you went on your first diet? I started experimenting with food restriction when I was 14.

What word or phrase do you most associate with your body now? Relief. It was initially very scary to relinquish control and just let myself enjoy life and food, but it turned out to be so freeing. And it’s astonishing how much better I function on a daily basis.

It’s a bit harrowing discovering other women started diets as young as I did. It continues…

after recruiting three of my very bright, very talented, very beautiful co-workers and delving into our own stories, I realized that what we had in common was far more salient than failed juice cleanses, the freshman 15, and a general distaste for cellulite. Every single one of us has a history with eating disorders, and although those wounds still twinge from time to time (and are, for some of us, still raw), they’ve shaped our lives

And despite this reflection, you uncannily read them ask some follow-up diet-centric questions like:

Your (non-)guilty pleasure food: Soup dumplings.

The healthy food that always hits the spot: Kale salad with a spritz of lemon and pepper. And juice!

It’s strange because there’s been so much buildup to this point in the article that we are cognizant beings that have learned from our dieting woes, that why are they asking us to even consider foods as “guilty” or “non-stop guilty”? Or “healthy” and “hits the spot”?

Anyway, I’m not going to argue with something that has already been written a long time ago, but it does make me curious to…


How old were you when you went on your first diet? 

What word or phrase do you most associate with your body now? 

I’ll post my own answers in tomorrow’s blog.

You may not like them, because I’m honest, and my path to a year or two of anorexia is something that I think may make some uncomfortable. But it is my truth, and I’ll share it with whoever is interested.